Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just threw up on my dentist
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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