I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
