what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
