I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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