Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
