Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Those nachos came to me in a dream
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