how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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