She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
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