yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
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