just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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