Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
