I'm eating all of the evidence.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
