I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
