The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
