sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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