I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
