Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
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