I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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