I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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