I CAN MOONWALK!
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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