I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
His hands were made for my vagina.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
