i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
