Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
