Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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