Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
