Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
