i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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