Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
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