Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
