please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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