i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
