One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
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Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
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I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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