I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
