Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
