Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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