i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
