Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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