just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
