Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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