my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
