I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
