I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
