Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
