her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
