a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
