My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
These People Are So Awkward You’ll Get Embarrassed
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
These People Encountered Celebrities in Bizarrely Normal Places
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this