Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
