His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE