you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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