In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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