considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
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