His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
