3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
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