Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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