Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
