life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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