I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
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I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
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After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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