I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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