I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
