So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
