Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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