Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
