hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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