you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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