Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
